dear ryan

i was cleaning out my computer and i found your livejournal link on my list of favorites. i dont know why. maybe it was when you showed me you found it and i read it like a journal of you and i loved it so much.
i still love it so much.
it doesnt sound anything like you, a much younger version of you, but i love it because i dont have a voice that i can read of myself at that age. i wish i did.
the correspondence between your ex girlfriend and you makes me smile. it probably shouldnt. but you were so young and if you two felt toward each other what i feel for you now...it should make me smile. im not gonna erase it from my favorites. it's you.
i want something like that with you. but on paper. forever.
sincerely,
rosemary

everytime i look in the mirror

you leave hickeys on my neck and say "sorry, boo! i didnt mean to."
and i reply with "thanks for making me look like a dirty slut to all my customers"

and i think... "that was a very nice night. "

i always love you even when i hate you.

i wanna bleach the bad parts of me out of my body like stains.

for you i wanna be something i am not.
because i love you, i want to be not only “sometimes” but “always”.

the universe

last night when i was rubbing your back with my fingertips to put you to sleep i was very aware how my skin looks like coal compared to your snow. it was all i could look at. then all i could think of was how your grandmother used to rub your arms to help you fall asleep and it made me see you so innocent. you were falling asleep. i felt like i could rub you forever. i felt like if something happened i would remember rubbing you forever. the slightest touch... burned in me forever. you felt good like a child does. i was glad. then i fell asleep, too.

red

we went to the lake and i think we found heaven.

except this heaven left ryan with sunburned skin only a white man can get and me

with the face of my native american background.

uneven

your hair on your chest down to your belly is in a crooked pattern.
one nipple is slightly larger than the other.
you may have scoliosis or just stand funny or maybe God made you that way just for me because he knew i would find it funny and love you more because of it.
stop staring at yourself in the mirror and hating it because all you're doing is finding more shit for me to love.

i know how you like it frosty

Today was our eight month anniversary. Honestly, i thought nothing of it. I was too busy trying to keep up at work, trying to hold it together. I work at a used bookstore and don't get me wrong, i love bookstores and feel everyone should visit them, but today was like "everybody come all at once" holiday or something. Stressed, tired, hungover, annoyed.

Ryan picked me up so i wouldn't have to ride my bicyle home and that made my day. (not because i was glad to see him, that's a given, but because i am the laziest person on the planet Earth). He convinced me to eat an unhealthy dinner of pizza while i wanted a veggie sandwich. Forced, practically. It was horrible. I might be scarred for life.

Fell asleep. Woke up. Felt even more like your morning shit.

Try to concentrate on the Ipad while he explores around in my underwear for some company lovingly. I gave in like I always do. We made love and then couldn't go back to sleep. He has work in six hours and he is playing a game on his computer. Priorities.

It was a good anniversary though. We know that we are together. We know that we love that fact. We know that we are lucky. We know that we are in love. It's nice to think we have loved each other for at least eight months. at the very least.